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Tears

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Tears

Tammy Korade

I cried tonight

I’ve always hated crying, seeing it as a weakness, a crack in my armor

That opening might show the doubts, fears and weakness I keep hidden below a composed exterior

My teacher told me to open, to let the tears come

I met her eyes and the compassion and communion opened the flood gates

I cried because I couldn’t not cry

I could only avoid so much

Denial was a short term balm

Analyzing could only defer the emotion

At the end of running, it was still waiting

At some point, it is inevitable that life quiets, the busyness pauses

You enter a space of not doing

Everything I avoided, denied, refused, postponed, is waiting

Everything I analyzed, thought instead of felt, compartmentalized, fills my soul

I hate that space, feeling the emotions as an adversary in the opposite corner

A combative opponent in a zero sum game

If they win, I lose

I feel ripped open as the tears fall

Too fast to stop

Too much emotion to hold in

I was a puddle, a mess on the floor

In the aftermath I did an assessment, sent out feelers

I survived the storm, weathered the beating

Foundation intact but not the same

What was hard, now soft and vulnerable

And old way of being changed

Despite my resistance, control and armor, my soul broke open

I let in pain, grief, disappointment, angst, doubt, joy, passion, purpose, love

They humbled me, brought me to my knees

At the same time these emotions filled me up

Reminded me that I am human, whole, perfectly imperfect

I am here to do my best

To love, soar, triumph, fail, cry, grieve, fail, succeed, get up and try again

Open to the emotions, embrace instead of avoid

Let the tears come, and with them, compassion for myself and others